I was babysitting for my cousin's daughter a few days a week. It was great. She paid me a little bit but Lily and Liv were able to spend time together and they played so well. This past week Liv came over for a bit and the next day I think I got fired. Through a text message. Weird. I know she was thinking about moving in with her boyfriend and she said that he was going to watch Liv for a while to 'get used to the idea.' I'm sad that Liv won't be over every week. I miss her and I'm afraid Lily does too. She probably doesn't even realize, but I feel like she's going to miss her and be sad.
I read CLC's post today about being in a funk. That's how I feel. I know I've been whining a lot lately and you're probably thinking, "Well at least you have a living baby! That's more than I have..." So I haven't been posting about it much. I'm not like this in real life. I'm more positive and I laugh...a lot. But this blog is the only place I have to talk about it. You are the only people that get it. Even Derick doesn't seem to get it anymore. I can't blame him. He is over it or past it or whatever happens when you get to that point. I'm not there yet. I can't promise him that I'll ever be there. He understands, I think. But I think he still is over hearing about it. We keep going in this vicious circle of he doesn't know how to fix it and I am broken. Still. I can't get fixed. I'm this broken shell of the woman that I was before.
At the suggestion of a good friend I've tried prayer. It helps. I feel better. I've also started meditation. I feel good when I'm done even though I'm not sure if I'm doing it right. I'm going to get myself a new journal this week because maybe I need to write somewhere that is just mine. I also had a dream last night and I can't help but think it's a good thing. It was another vivid dream and I had just brought a baby boy home from the hospital. Lily was about 4 and I was breastfeeding him. Everything was perfect. He was full term and absolutely beautiful. He looked like Lily. I don't think I've ever had a dream about a living baby let alone a full term baby.
4 years. I don't even remember what it was like to hold them...how can I miss them this much still?
I don't think that hurt ever goes away. Maybe because you had that baby inside you and that's why the husbands just don't get it. They didn't have a life growing inside of them. I'm not sure. Whatever it is, it isn't fair. I'm glad meditation is helping. If you feel better then you are doing it right. And I know how you feel about the having a baby thing. I sometimes feel bad about it too, but I know that my blog is mine and if people don't want to read it that is alright with me. It's their choice.
ReplyDeleteI thought I had commented on this post...
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you were "fired". I'm also sorry that Lily is missing out on that connection with Liv. It's good for you both. Maybe even if you don't get paid you can still have her around sometime?