Love Happens

Derick and I went to see the movie L.ove H.appens. I knew what it was about, and after reading Monica's post about it I thought we were pretty prepared.

Whoa. Way wrong.

In case you aren't aware, the story is about a man who's wife has passed and he writes a best selling book about grief. He helps people move forward with their lives even though he is unable to move forward himself. Then he meets J.ennifer An.iston's character and blah blah blah...you get the rest.

Anyway, there is one man in the movie who's lost his son in a tragic accident and he blames himself. At one point in the movie, the grief counselor talks to him about moving on and he says, "I should be going to little league games to see my son play. He should be driving me nuts right now. But instead he's in a box in the ground and there isn't anything that I can do about it." Derick lost it. Plain and simple.

We got to the car and he could hardly speak. The grief just came for both of us. We talked about the boys and how different our lives would be. We talked about how we are so afraid that something is going to happen to Lily that we make excuses about moving her out of our room. She's been sleeping in her crib in our room since she's been born. The thought of moving her out sends us both into anxiety attacks. It's not good for her, and it's going to get worse for her, to be in here, but we just can't do it. We are afraid. Derick still checks her instinctively before bed, and I still panic when I don't hear her breathing. Sometimes I poke her just so that she'll stir. I can't let it go. We can't let it go.

And then we talked about something that I didn't think we'd talk about ever, or at least not yet. He said that he is afraid to go through another pregnancy again. He's afraid that it would kill me, and in his words "I finally got you to the point that you can function and I can't watch you go back there again. I couldn't do that again. Not to you or Lily." He's afraid of having to explain it to Lily or our family. He asked if my life would be ok with just her. So I told him. No, it wouldn't be ok with just her. My life will not be complete. But would I be ok if that was our last pregnancy? Yes. Absolutely. However another baby comes into our lives will be up to God. That is all I can say. I'm throwing my hands in the air and I'm conceeding. It's to much for us to bear on our own. Derick and I finally came to a place of understading about the future of our family. We are ok with it. With everything. If we ever got pregnant again, it would take a considerable amount of planning (as in years) or it would just have to be completely out of the blue. There is no way that we'd go into it without considering everything and everyone. But let's be honest adoption or surragacy might be out the window for us financially. Although I'm not about to close the book on that either.

Know what the craziest thing about all this is? I was considering stopping blogging. I thought I didn't have anything to offer because I was done grieving. Isn't that funny? Done? I make myself laugh. It blows me away that 3 years later it can still make us run for the hills.