I feel like all I do is complain here and I really don't mean to. I'm sorry, in advance. But this is another one of 'those' posts. At least I'm warning you in advance.
I'm at the end of my rope with Lily. I love her to pieces. My heart aches everyday when I leave for work, but I'm at the end of my rope.
I just don't know where to go from here.
Yesterday right before the OT came for her session, Lily was sitting up next to me on the floor and she fell backwards. It was to quick for me to react, and she started screaming. I scooped her up, held her close to my chest, and Derick came and pulled her out of my hands and said, "It's ok....it's ok...Daddy's here..." Like I had done something wrong! I went upstairs, cried, and contemplated leaving because apparently Derick didn't need me. The OT came, and I contemplated not going down because I didn't think he needed me. I was hurt. But I went down because Lily needed me...or I needed her.
As we were sitting down on the floor, Lily spit up 3 times. A good amount each time, and she had eaten a good 2 hours before. The therapist asked if she always spit that much and she does. We've been experimenting with how much we feed her thinking that we're giving her to much or to little or to much food and not enough formula or vice-versa. I don't think she's gained much weight since her appointment in February and at this point she should still be gaining 1 - 1 1/4 lbs a month.
It's also true that kids with CP are more likely to have lasting reflux problems simply because of their lack of muscle coordination.
Am I worrying because I need something to worry about? Or am I worrying because there really is something to worry about? It's a fine line for me.
I want things to be normal and happy and spit up and doctors office free! I want to play and jump and scream happy screams! I want what other people have and not the problems that Lily has been dealt.
She's perfect! She is absolutely perfect and incredibly smart and beautiful...and she makes me laugh like I've never laughed before!
Why, then, do I want more? What is wrong with this? Why can't I change my expectations to be just this...this...and nothing else?
Because this is not what you dreamed of. You didn't dream of a baby with problems. You didn't dream of having to figure out if she has CP or something else. You didn't dream about having to take your 6 month old to a PT. You dreamed of her. You dreamed of the perfect little girl and you have that, but you didn't dream about the circumstance.
ReplyDeleteI think you worry because you're a mother and that's what you do but also because you want for everything to be okay for her and you're not sure it is.
You need her and she needs you. Don't ever think that Derick doesn't need you. Clearly he does. I just think that's his way of showing you and himself that Lily needs him too. He soothes her and that's a gift, you didn't do anything wrong.
I wish I could take your worry away. It's hard not to worry. But worrying, will get you nowhere, except make you sick- though, it's hard to stop! I know! I can't wait to meet Lily, I am sure she is perfect! Just know that I'm always here to listen. Sometimes, wanting what other people have- isn't so great either... what you see on the "outside", isn't what really is! Right now I'm going through the "Why can't I ever just have a normal pregnancy blues"... Life isn't fair... but it will make us all stronger... God gave you Lily for a reason... you are her mother because he knows you are strong enough to help her! You are a wonderful mommy! (I can't tell you how many times Braylynne fell off the couch, and down the stairs around a year old- it happens!)
ReplyDeleteBecause it's hard, because everytime you leave the house or talk to another mom you see/hear about other kids meeting all the milestones they're supposed to be at, and you feel like a bad mom, you feel guilty that your baby isn't. It makes you feel bad for yourself and your child. I know that feeling.
ReplyDeleteEverytime I hear people say "look at the _____ baby, what colour is it? what shape is it? what does it look like?" and I know that my kid will never be able to answer those questions that rely only on sight.
And I know how hurtful it can be when you feel like your partner is the "better parent" or that you aren't needed. I assure you though you are her mommy and you will always be needed.
Don't be too hard on yourself, you aren't expected to be a perfect parent, and you can't expect that you will always be totally happy and satisfied and fulfilled as a mom. Having a high needs/different child is hard work!! I hope you realize just how strong you are. Even when you have bad days. Take some time to pamper yourself. Even if it's just a warm bath or painting your nails. Let Derick take Lily for a bit so you can have a little break. It's stressful enough being a mom let alone the mom of a different/high needs kid. *hugs* please email me if you want to talk some more.
Becky, Sometimes as women we just need to give ourselves a break. I think that you are succumbing to the pressures of being a working mom. You are a great mom and your daughter will always NEED you. In other news I need you to email me your address. I was about to mail something and I realized that you moved.
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