So now that I'm private there are some things that I can share that I couldn't share before. Mostly about my marriage. I was always afraid that Derick would read what I really thought before but to be quite honest, I don't think he ever read my blog. Now I feel weirdly free!
Generally, I have a wonderful marriage. Derick is good to me. He supports me and loves me, and he adores Lily and is so good to her. But deeper than that...we have a lack of communication somewhere. He doesn't talk to me much, and when he does talk it seems as though he's holding back a lot. Or maybe my own insecurities about our relationship make me think that he's holding back. When we get into a dissagreement or something, he shuts down and doesn't talk at all. I feel sometimes that I'm talking to a wall. If there is something in my relationship that I could change, that would be it. Lack of communication.
He also lacks motivation at times. Particularly now that he's unemployed, it's gotten signifigantly worse. I am the type of person that always wants more for myself and my family. If I have a home, I will work towards getting a nicer home. If I have a job, I will work towards getting a better job. When I get something in my mind I work my ass off to accomplish that. Lily is a perfect example of that. But Derick...not so much. He's content with the way things are. His family is like that as well and it drives me nuts. He just never wants or desires more than what he has. I have a lot of trouble with that, and I don't know why he doesn't want more. Does he think that he doesn't deserve it? Because he does! Does he think that he's not good enough? Because he is! Growing up his mother never instilled much confidence in him and as a result he is seriously lacking that. I see other husbands or fathers that work like my dad did. They get up at the ass crack of dawn and don't come home until the sun has long set. That's what I'm used to, and that's not what Derick is. And that's ok because to be honest, my dad missed out on a lot when we were growing up. That is not something that I want for Lily. I want her father to be home for her birthdays and her special moments. My dad wasn't even there when I was born because he was working. So that isn't something that I want. But I do want a husband that will work for us...provide for our family...want more for us. But Derick just isn't like that. It's not that he doesn't want to provide for us, I just think that he thinks he is doing the best that he can.
I made an appointment today for marriage counceling. Our marriage isn't in danger of falling apart, but I fear that if things continue the way they are down the road it's something that could happen. I don't know how long I can take this. And I don't know how to motivate someone that maybe doesn't want to be motivated.
I love my husband. I do, truly. He loves me and there has never been a doubt in my mind about that. So what do I do? How do I show him that he is worth it? Because he is that and so much more to Lily and I. He is our world, and for so long he practically breathed for me. When the grief was to much for me to bare, he held me up.
It's just this...any suggestions?
Funny, I just wrapped up on a post about our marriage and going to therapy. Although, my experience was about 6 months ago and things are better now.
ReplyDeleteI can see where D is coming from. maybe he's just content with where he is in his life. It's nice to not have that feeling of wanting/needing more. But in your situation, I understand why this frustrates you, because you are not happy where you are and you want him to understand that. You want him to want what you want and he doesn't. I don't know if it's a lack of motivation, though. But I think you're right about him not thinking he's worthy of those things. He is. You all are.
I hope therapy helps you both.
I am sorry things aren't going how you would like. Our marriage has have plenty of ups and downs- to the point, we almost split up (that was over 3 years ago). Sometimes the other person doesn't realize the things they do to hurt the other person. Sometimes it just takes, "Laying everything out on the table and being 100% honest"...but if you do that, get ready for things you yourself, may not want to hear.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you are going to go to counseling. I hope the counselor is a match for you both.
If you ever need to vent, I am here for you.
You both have been through a lot- and each person takes pain and grief differently, so I am sure that affects it too.
Hugs to you!
You know, I think you have been through more together than most other couples could imagine. And you've survived it. I think that speaks to the strength of your relationship.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I can understand how the lack of communication can be a real issue-- really I completely get it. I hope that you are able to work through your issues through counseling and come out the other side even stronger. <3 As a matter of fact, I am sure you can and will.
O/T-- did D get his unemployment?
there is something to be said about being happy where you are. you finally have your child, yes you'd like to have more $ who wouldn't but isn't is supposed to be the 3 of you happy despite anything and everything else? I would tell him point blank that you may be here now but if he doesn't open up and communicate you may not be there later. scare the shit out of him, he will either work, or attempt to and you can see where he stand, perhaps lighting a fire under his ass?? I would try that tactic before therapy, then if he's open to a little more communication go to therapy. if you throw therapy out there first when he may not be aware of a problem (lets face it men are clueless and hate change) he may just shut down further. and as always its advice so take it or leave it it doesn't mean I'm right. I missed your blogs!!
ReplyDeleteOur culture encourages consumption. Bigger houses, bigger TVs, more expensive cars. Advertising encourages us to want more than what we have and if that "more" doesn't make us happy then we must need something else, something that can be purchased.
ReplyDeleteThere's nothing wrong with wanting things but I truly believe that gratitude is the key to happiness. We are all given so much: our families, our friends, the beauty of nature are just a few of the gifts we're given but we're often blind to the richness that surrounds us because we're seduced by the images we see on television and in films.
I live in a beautiful home, the main part of which was built just after the Civil War. One thing that irked me about my house is the lack of closet space in the original part of the house. A contractor explained that people in the 1800s didn't need large closets because they didn't have many changes of clothes. A man might have a good topcoat, a couple of suits and some work clothes. Women might have a little more variety in clothing, but not much. And people back then were fine with it. It wasn't until advertising became a part of everyday life that the fever began for buying new things when the old possessions hadn't worn out yet.
Your husband sounds like a good man. I can understand your frustration at him being satisfied with less than what you'd like for your family but it doesn't sound like he's lazy or shiftless. maybe the two of you can compromise on your financial goals. Men, in general, don't talk as much as women do. The therapist might have some suggestions for improving your communication.