I went to a cookie exchange today at a very close friend's house. After we lost the boys (her and her mother came to both funerals), she would call and tell me to take a shower and get dressed because she was on her way to pick me up. Every day. She gave me no room to back out. It was just what it was. We've been close since 4th grade. We go our seperate ways from time to time but we each know the other is a phone call away. Now that she lost her job, we talk more often. She also happens to be one of Lily's very favorite Aunts. Lily has lots of favorite aunts, but this particular one is high on her list. She kind of looks like me so I think it might be part of it, but I don't tell her that.
The point of this story (and backstory) is that over the last 3 years I've found myself doing less and less. I could have become a hermit. I could have stayed in my house forever away from happy families, cooing babies, and blissfully pregnant women. I didn't. Partly because of her. Partly because of other people. Mostly because of Derick and Lily. Except in that time, even though I didn't become a hermit, I stopped going out with my girlfriends, having a drink at a bar, going to concerts or shows. I felt like I couldn't relate to them. They don't have kids let alone dead ones. I felt like everyone could see it on my face and sometimes I still do.
Derick has been working really hard lately with minimal time spent at home and when I asked him why he didn't want me to go to a concert with him the other day he replied, "I forgot that you were interested in concerts."
Hmmm...
THERE is the problem. All this time we've been wondering why our marriage isn't as strong as it was or why we argue from time to time. We forgot what each other is interested in. When the hell did that happen?
Besides the obvious, like getting to know each other again (which we've vowed to do), what kinds of suggestions do you have for bringing two people who have spent 10 years of their lives together? Apparently while I was grieving he was living and something got skipped over there. What can you offer me in terms of advice?
Wow Becky, that's so good that you are taking the time to work on this. I think you know I blogged about this but the marriage ministry thing I was reading has been really useful to me and working with my husband to strengthen our marriage. There is a button for it on the sidebar of my blog. I'd go back to the beginning of Aimee's posts and start from there. I think Aimee is someone who you may well relate to as she also lost her precious daughter Keyleigh last year and is also grieving and has had to work VERY hard to get her marriage on track. Hugs to you xxx
ReplyDeleteTalk. Talktalktalktalktalktalktalk. And get out alone when you can. Remember what drew you together to begin with. And talk some more.
ReplyDeleteWe like to take Skyler swimming, which is fun for us to do as a family. Watch movies, go for walks, go dancing, go to church (we've gone once and it was fun) and talk. Even just chatting is good. Listen to music together if you can't go to a concert. Sometimes we turn on the radio and just dance in the kitchen. Doesn't cost a thing and it's fun. Figure out what your interests are and find ways to share them with each other. Just my two cents.
ReplyDeleteI would say that you would have to learn to do things that do not revolve around Lily. You two have to have an identity as a couple apart from an identity as partners in parenting. I know boo about your relationship, but I think I would start there.
ReplyDeleteBe willing to do something that he loves and you don't and vice versa.
When my husband and I started dating he was all about football and i couldn't give 2 sh*ts for it. Over time I got into (I gave it a shot) and it has brought us closer together. W
I don't know why the heck that 'W' posted about my comment. I don't want you to break your heard trying to figure out what it meant. ;)
ReplyDelete