Confessions

I have a confession to make.

Nearly 3 years ago, shortly after Riley died, my cousin became pregnant. She was due in September, but people kept the 'secret' until about March or April. I was devastated. Her baby is alive. My baby died. I thought that her baby's heart started beating when Riley's heart stopped. Devastation. Utter devastation.

Then I found out she was expecting a boy. More devastation. They were going to name him Alex. Alex. The name that we had chosen for Riley before we knew he was going to die. The same name as my beloved grandfather.

A few weeks later, it turned out they were expecting a girl. A girl? Did my prayers really work? And through the next few months I suffered through baby showers and baby talk surrounding my family. Every one of them being careful not to divulge to much information to me. Every one of them walking on eggshells when I entered the room. At her baby shower, I sat in the back with my sister in law holding my hand and sobbed quietly.

A few weeks later, she went into PTL and was put on bedrest. Liv was born 4 weeks later at 36 weeks gestation. Happy. Healthy.

18 months later, my cousin worked up the courage to leave her boyfriend and her life in Vegas and come back home. I was nervous. Ashamed. Upset with myself and afraid to admit what I thought.

Liv comes and plays with Lily and I each day for an hour in the overlap between her mom starting work and her grandmother coming home. Everyday I tell her I love her. Everyday she cries for her mom. Today she told me she loved me. Today, she smiled as she walked out the door and said, "Bye-Bye Beck. See you tomorrow!" Yes, Liv, see you tomorrow. My day is a little brighter tomorrow because I know she is coming.

I can't imagine life without her now. Grief is a strange, strange thing.