The appointment

I realized just now that I forgot to update you all on our appointment at CHOP.

It went...well, well. The doctor wasn't nearly as nice as the doctor here. She had a thick accent, Russian or German or something, and she was a little cold. I didn't appreciate it much. Instead of having a toy for Lily to reach for, she had a tongue depressor. So naturally, Lily didn't want anything to do with that. Who would, really?

To make a long story short though, she pretty much agreed with everything the doctor here said. Which is good. I guess. But we still don't have any new answers.

We've got a consult set up with a PT in addition to the OT. I would rather her stay with the OT because I love her and I think she is very capable of doing both and because I don't want to get to know one more person that's giving my daughter care. I like the OT and I don't like change or new people, neccessarily. I just hate explaining things again.

And, in light of recent events, I'm thinking about dropping a day at work. I'll drop down to 30 hours, be considered part time, but still keep my benefits. I guess if it came to the point that I needed to pick up those hours again, I could find something else to do. Right now though, it seems that that extra money is a lot. With Derick working steadily it might not be to bad. I just keep thinking that Lily needs more time from me. Derick is fantastic with her, but it's always with me that she makes the most progress. Not that he doesn't work with her, but dads can't always do what mom's can. So I'm thinking that an extra day during the week might help. We're (thanks to my parents) in a position now that we can do some things creatively. And that money that I'd be loosing we could make up for in other ways. For instance, really cutting back on going out to eat. It would help us in more ways than just in our wallet. I just can't help but think that Lily needs that. She needs the extra attention right now, and I want to give that to her. Sometimes 2 days go by that I don't see her. She's asleep when I leave for work and in bed for the night when I get home. It kills me. I don't want to live like this anymore.

But...as always...it's going to be up to Derick to work steadily. As much as I love him, I'm not sure that I'm ready to leave that up to him yet. I can't trust that he can do it on his own yet. I need to know that he will do anything for us and unfortunately he hasn't proved that to me. So I'm waiting for that time to come fully realizing that it could take years to get there. I hear his words, I see his face when he tells me that he's ready to take over. That he's ready to be the head of our household. The breadwinner. Everything. He's ready, but it's so hard for me to just let go as much as I want to. I'm sure that I'll be there soon, but it's just getting there thats hard. I love him unconditionally, but I need to trust that he can handle this. It's not just about going to work or not going to work anymore. It's about food on the table and trips to the doctor and electricity. It's about hard work. It's about 2 or 3 jobs on the side. It's something that he needs to be committed to and something that I need to see from him.

*sigh*

It's going to get easier....it's going to get easier...it's going to get easier...