Derick and I had a tough conversation last night. We discussed going or staying.
We both decided that we wanted to stay. We need to fight and get back to where we need to be. I told him, though, that I can't take this instability anymore. It's just to much for us.
Follow me...
2004-August- bought house
2005-October- got married
2006-January- sold house, moved to another house
2006-January- got pregnant
2006-April- move back to PA, in with parents
2006-May- loose Dylan
2006-October- pregnant with Riley, loose job
2006-December- loose Riley
2007-November- move into apartment
2007-November- Derick looses job
2008-January- Pregnant with Lily
2008-February- Derick cuts finger almost off
2008-March- TAC surgery and so begins high risk pregnancy
2008-August- Lily born, 3 weeks in NICU
2008-November- Derick looses job, again
2009-January- move back in with parents
That's a lot, right? That' s just a short timeline detailing the instability that we've had in the last 3 years. It's not Derick's fault, and it's not mine. It just happened. Derick, though, needs to put us before everything else. He needs to fight for us because me fighting on my own clearly isn't getting us anywhere. Our family deserves more than this. We need to change things for us.
And as far as me being unhappy...it's not neccessarily in my marriage or my role as a mother...it's just in general. My therapist asked me what I do...or what I used to like to do for me. I didn't even remember. How pathetic is that? For so long I've been focused on everyone else that I completely forgot about me. I told her what I used to like to do and she gave me homework. She wants me to draw something, in detail and magnify it. So I'll go today and get my sketch pad and my pencils and I'm looking for something to draw. I explained to Derick that I don't need to go somewhere to recharge. I just need an hour to myself to read a bit or something. An hour of quiet time for me.
This has gotten so out of control that it's affecting everything. And who can blame me, really? I've been so focused on other things that I didn't focus on myself. My goals for this year are simple:
Take care of me so that I'm the best me that I can.
That is a wonderful goal. And you need to take care of eachother as husband and wife before you can be good parents too.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck to you. I hope you find yourself.
M
Sounds like a great goal. I hope things work out.
ReplyDeleteIn my "The Mommy Myth" workshop we talked about the same kind of things you mention and how we need to take care of ourselves because as the saying goes "When mom is happy everyone is happy" because it's just so much easier to take care of everyone and everything else when you are taken care of. I think any relationship would end up with a few cracks in it after going through the hell you two have gone through. You must be very strong to have stayed together this long through the losses and the hard times, you will get through this.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all to still be standing after everything you have endured? INCREDIBLE! Secondly, that realization you need to take care of yourself will change you. I've been to that place, the one where you realize you can't do and be it all.
ReplyDeleteInstead I too, had to learn to take care of myself. That means different things to different people. For me I had to lose weight (for my health) and to find a way to unwind (yoga) It took me a long time, but as I did it life got better.
And yours will too. I absolutely believe that.
Much love to you and keep us posted!
Echoing everyone else-- it's a great goal. <3
ReplyDeleteI hope D sees how much he has to fight for. I'm glad you are trying as hard as you.
Losing babies really sends you into a tailspin-- and it puts your marriage into a whole new perspective. We have a timeline similar to yours-- only without the moving, but tons of "job hopping"-- pretty much since around the time Sophie died.
Keep fighting, Becky. You and Lily deserve the best. <3