I'm angry that the boys aren't here. I'm angry that we had to loose them both to get the TAC. I'm angry thst I needed the tac to begin with. I'm angry that my body can't be pregnant. I'm angry that Lily couldn't stay in longer. I'm angry that she was born early. I'm angry that I was in so much pain before she was born that I didn't have time to stop and think that I was about to be a mother. I'm angry that I don't remember her birth well both because of the shock and the drugs. I'm angry that they took her away so fast that we only had time to snap a picture. I'm angry that they put a tube down her throat and that she wasn't breathing well. I'm angry that it was 5 days before we could hold her. I'm angry that people didn't come to visit when I needed them the most. I'm angry that I spent my first night as a mother alone in my room silently sobbing. I'm angry that Derick had to go back to work. I'm angry that she was there for so long. I'm angry that I missed the first 3 weeks of her life. I'm angry that a nurse tucked her in at night and comforted her when I wasn't there. I'm angry that I couldn't breastfeed. I'm angry that she couldn't latch and I hated pumping. I'm angry that I dreamed about it and I couldn't. I'm angry that other people can. I'm angry that she had colic. I'm angry that I missed those months with her because it was horrible. I'm angry that I had to go back to work and that we couldn't afford for me to stay home. I'm angry that I miss entire days in her life. I'm angry that other people can't help me or don't want to. I'm angry that I'm angry. I'm angry that other people don't know how fortunate they are. I'm angry that other people don't get it. I'm angry that that was the worst thing I've ever been through. Maybe worse than loosing the boys. I'm angry that I feel guilty writing that. I'm angry that people say that we should be happy because she's here. I'm angry that other babies just a bit bigger than her have no problems. I'm angry that she needs extra help. I'm angry that we went through hell.
I'm just so damn angry.
I'm angry too. For you, for myself and for others that will go through this.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you, my friend. I am so sorry for your anger...I wish I could take it all away. If you need anything- let me know. Can I say I am angry too? We just celebrated Angel's first birthday last weekend, and I"m angry that almost noone said anything about her at all!! I'm angry that it seems like people are forgetting her :-( I'm angry about a lot of things... Just know that you aren't ever alone... and when people tell you to "Smile"...sometimes they just don't get how angry you really are... and Anger isn't something you can just "let go" overnight... it takes time to heal wounds. Hugs
ReplyDeleteYou've been through a lot, and you have every right to be angry.
ReplyDeleteAnd you are also very strong, in case you forgot.
Hugs go to you! You have ever right to be angry; no that you aren't alone in this.
ReplyDeleteGet it all out, the anger is important. (btw I tagged you in my blog)
ReplyDelete