If you've been reading for a while, you probably know that a few years ago Derick's teenage cousin had a son born 3 days after Riley was do. He is my shadow baby. A few months into his life she decided she couldn't care for him anymore and asked us if we would adopt him. When she expressed her desire to have him call her mom, we decided it wasn't for us. That and the fact that her mother had some pretty strong feelings about our worthiness to care for a child considering that we had two dead sons of our own.
Anyway, she took off to college and left her son behind for her mother to care for. He's a good kid. Really. But there is nothing positive in his life. He's nearing 3 and his eyes show a story of worry and anxiety. We had to keep ourselves at a safe distance because it was to painful for us. For both of us. After all, he is our shadow.
Today we took both he and Lily to an Easter egg hunt sponsored by some extended family of D's. We honestly, truly had a good time. I enjoyed spending time with my MIL and D's grandmother, aunt, and his cousins son.
Then something weird happened...
N, Lily, and I were playing on the swings. I make a big deal out of Lily going on the slide and on the swings because she loves it and I know that it makes her giggle even more. So I did it with N too because I don't know how not to do it. He giggled just as much as she did and I was having a great time myself.
Next thing I know he's saying, "Mommy watch me!" and I did a double take. My mind stopped and my heart kept beating and for a split second I was at the playground with Riley and Lily. But it wasn't Riley...it was N. Quickly I realized that he must have made a mistake so I said nothing. It continued though.
"Mommy watch this!"
"Mommy come with me!"
"I have to show you something, Mommy!"
"Mommy bring Lily...it's her turn!"
Then I explained that I was Lily's mommy and that his mommy loved him very much and would be home soon. MIL heard him and neither one of us could figure out what to say.
He kept saying it though. Yelling across the yard as if I was his mother. My heart ached and the tears started to come. I'm not his mother. Although I could be a great mother to him if God had given me the chance.
His Nana heard him and D's grandmother and they told me to ignore him. I was afraid to say anything for fear of confusing him even more so we kept saying that I was Lily's mommy.
I want to say something to his mother but I'm not sure if it's my place or not. With everything in the past and her knowing that we would have adopted him, I don't want her to think that I would take him away from her or that I'm better than her or whatever. I think she should know though. Don't you?
Oh that's a tough one Becky. I would have cried too, knowing that could be my son calling me mom. I know that in your heart it feels good to hear that and it hurts all at the same time.
ReplyDeleteI would want her to know too but purely for selfish reasons. Mostly to make myself feel better. To let someome else know that I was needed and wanted.
Would it change anything if she knew? Do you think her mother would mention something to her so you don't look like the bad guy?
Hugs my dear,
Monica
Wow. I have tears in my eyes for you. I don't know what I would do.
ReplyDeleteI think you did a fine job handling the situation. I wouldn't worry. Sometimes all you can do is the best you can do, and you did that. I just feel so badly for you. *hug*
Wow I'm crying too. That's heartwrenching. What can you say really? If you think you need to tell her, then you should. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI am speechless for you. I don't know what I would have done. I think you handled it well though. I guess it might be a conversation you might want to have with her, but I imagine she may interpret it the wrong way too. Good luck.
ReplyDelete