Today marks the end of a very stressful few weeks. It started with the whole Mommy and Me thing. We went and I mentioned to Derick that you could really see Lily's delays there. I noted that she wasn't imitating the other kids, she seemed disinterested in the music, and really didn't leave my side. She's starting to become very shy and a little reserved around new people. Very age appropriate though. Anyway, Derick mentioned to Lily's speech therapist that he was concerned and it resulted in a very lengthy conversation about where Lily is and how some of the things that she is or isn't doing could be on the Autism spectrum or the result of a sensory disorder. Which, naturally, led to a meltdown on my end. Her OT is out on maternity leave and isn't sure that she is coming back, but by Friday it led to a very lengthy email conversation and a few frantic phone calls before I finally got the picture. Becky (the OT), who has a similar history as us (i.e. deadbaby), gently suggested that perhaps Lily's only problem is me. Perhaps I worry so much that I'm missing out on these precious first years. Perhaps I get ONE thing in my mind and that is all I focus on. She said that if she could flip a switch and erase the past and change the future for me she would. If, she said, she could take away all that worry and all that pain and make things right again for me she would do it in a heartbeat. Her suggestions? More play dates, sending Lily to daycare one day a week for a few hours, and starting preschool in the fall. She doesn't see ANY markers for ASD or a sensory disorder and she would be hard-pressed to find anyone that would. However, after I hung up the phone with her I had a major anxiety attack and very nearly couldn't stop crying. I felt like an idiot and I can't believe that I spent so much time worrying instead of enjoying my time with her. I can't believe that after all I've been through, I fail to see the sunny day's ahead. What the hell is wrong with me?
Which brings me to last week. Tuesday I apologized to the speech therapist for being crazy. Wednesday we had Lily's big evaluation. A team of therapists came in and evaluated her on all different things and the total evaluation took about 2 hours. I was so proud of Lily. She did wonderfully. All around she came in about 13-14 months for speech, fine motor, and gross motor. We were very pleased. Things like her cognitive skills, receptive language, and general understanding came in around 24 months. We were very pleased with that too. As they left, I overheard them outside saying that whoever came into our house to work with Lily is a very lucky because she is such a sweet girl. It made me smile to hear them say that. By the way, they found nothing of concern.
Today, as we were on our way to a very special girl's first birthday party (and Lily's best friend), I enjoyed the sun for the first time in what felt like years. Come to think of it...it has been years.
Four years to be exact.
There's nothing wrong with you. You just want the absolute best for her and when you see that something could be better, you strive for that.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that she's okay and that you are enjoying avery bit of that sunshine.
The picture of you two just made me smile :-)
You are just being a mommy. I worry every day too about the things Skyler is and isn't doing. I do my best to try not to compare him, but's so hard when I take him to play group and the 6 month olds are bigger than him, the 8 month olds are walking unassisted, and the 12 month olds are talking away. He's 16 months, but he's behind.
ReplyDeleteI just try to remind myself he was born early, and he's got disabilities that hold him back a bit. There's nothing I can do, but accept him for who he is and help him develop at his own pace. I'm sure Lily will be just fine.