It's always something

I'm up late tonight waiting for Derick to come home from work. My stomache is in knots, or maybe I just ate something funny, but it's not happy nonetheless. The monitor is next to the bed and I can hear Lily coughing. At least I know she's alive...

She had a doctors appointment today for her 15 month well check. After many reservations about the H1N1 vaccine and countless hours of research, I decided to go ahead with it. She recieved the first of two preservative free shots and will recieve the second in December. They checked her height and weight. My baby is 32 inches long and 23lbs 9oz. She's almost double the length from when she was born. It's hard to believe that she didn't even fit into preemie clothes. The doctor (who I really like because he listens to me) asked a series of questions about her behavior, social skills, milestones, and her speach. I explained that she doesn't say much, but I get the feeling she is saying more than we think. For example, sometimes I give her something and she says 'Tish.' It sounds a lot like Thanks. Or when I give her kisses, I say "Kisses!" and she gives me a kiss. When she wants a kiss she says, "Sssshisshes!" and then she laughs. But she doesn't talk a lot and probably didn't start even babbeling until she was close to her first birthday. She doesn't laugh a lot or seem really interested in noises going on around her. We thought, for a long time, that she was just an observer. We thought that was Lily...going around in the world carefree and happy just watching everything happen and doing what she wanted when she felt like it.

Turns out she can't hear well.

She had and passed a hearing test in the NICU that all babies must have before being discharged from the hospital. At the office today, they gave her some sort of test quickly that checked (for lack of better explanation) the echo in her ear by shooting short bursts of air into her ear so that it would bounce off her eardrum and back to the monitor. The print out is supposed to be composed of peaks and vally's. Lily's was a flat line. There was no echo which means there is a build up of fluid behind her eardrum.

She isn't overly prone to having ear infections, but she is overly prone (like me!) to have colds or runny or stuffy noses. I think she may also have allergies and post nasal drip too. Poor kid! So it isn't overly supprising that there is fluid back there. I just always associated that with kids that had lots of ear infections.

We have an appointment on the 23rd with an ENT for a surgery consult. I'm pretty sure they will put tubes in her ears and then all will be well again, but I'm sad for her. She's been through the wringer.

And is it crazy or selfish or something for me to be upset because I wanted to be done going to appointments! I thought we were done with all the specialists and surgeons and childrens hospitals and blah blah blah! I wanted to be done...to be normal...to not worry! So I had hoped that her second year would be a lot less stress and worry free. I know it's not that big of a deal, but I just wish she didn't have to deal with this too. And yikes, I'm going to be a wreck in that waiting room. Would you want to be in there with me? Lol, I'll be a pacing fool!

Ah! I just want to scream.

In the grand scheme of things, this is no big deal. No big deal. NO BIG DEAL! If I don't keep repeating it to myself I'll freak out. So Sarah, if you have any words of wisdom I'd love to hear it!